On the trails with Rural Cass Snowmobile Club

By Jim Bell, Dryden

There’s a new kind if creature emerging on earth,
I’ll describe him to you for whatever it’s worth;
He comes out of hiding in winter I’m told,
He rejoices in weather that’s terribly cold.

He leaves the warm fireside, his wife and his kids,
Climbs onto a motor, a belt and two skids.
The machine comes to life, he is ready to go,
But he can’t, cause as yet there is no sign of snow.

For the past 18 days he’s been wearing a suit,
That is covered in zippers from parka to boot,
And mittens, and helmet, and mask on his head,
“My God” says his wife “must you wear that to bed?”

Then it finally happens, the ground has turned white,
He’s on his machine and he roars out of sight;
On the flat he’ll crouch down, on a corner he’ll lean,
And they tell me his blood is now pure gasoline.

Over hill, over river, through marsh, and round trees,
Over rockpile and sandspit, yet down on his knees,
He looks like he’s praying as onward he flies,
Is it monster or man?  All we see is his eyes.

He’ll go charging ahead when it’s 20 below
Screaming into  a blizzard of onrushing snow,
By what demon possessed is this new breed of man,
Who finds joy in a snowstorm like no human can?

But what happens in summer when snows are not there?
Is he out on the porch in an old rocking chair?
No; he’s inside the house for the whole world to see,
Sitting there on his snowmobile, watching T.V.

A typical snowmobiler is:

• A person who is too old for a sled but young enough to remember the fun it used to be.

• A person who prays for snow, but grumbles when he is cleaning the walk.

• A person who waits for cold weather so she can dress up to stay warm.

• A person will will completely overhaul a snowmobile in the middle of nowhere and call AAA when the car won’t start in the heated garage.

• A person who rides the lumps and bumps of a worked field with enjoyment and complains about the holes in the street.

• A person who syays they bought the machine for the kids, but complains that they can’t find a baybsitter so they can go out and ride.

• A person who can’t get old “Bessie” in the garage at night because there isn’t room unless he slides the snowmobile out.

• A person who will drive a block to the grocery store in a warm car for steak and ride a snowmobile 10 miles for a burned weiner.

• A person who will get caught on the interstate without a spare tire but will have enough spare parts in the snowmobile to build another one.

• A person who is glad to get the 4th of July over with because it’s only four months until they can ride.

Helpful hints for snowmobilers to keep in shape, even with no snow so far this year….

• Go to your local snowmobile repair shop, smile and give the first guy you see $400. This will get you used to spending money there on a regular basis.
• Remove the muffler from your lawnmower, place the mower in a large metal garbage can and start it up. Put your head in the can and have someone close the lid. Especially important for Arctic Cat owners.
• Fill a 50-gallon barrel with sand. Lower it into a hole. Now lift it out. If you can, add water to the sand and try it again. Do this 5 times per day. This will get your back in shape for those deep snow stucks.
• Tie a rope to a heavy-duty spring. Pull the rope repeatedly with each arm until the pain in your shoulders meets somewhere in the middle of your back. This will get you in shape for starting your bud’s sled that he conveniently forgot was out of gas and didn’t tell you. It’s best to do this exercise while someone is spraying starting fluid into your nose and eyes also.
• Drink four ounces of cod liver oil mixed with a strong laxative. Dress with long underwear, wool pants, snowmobile bibs, Tek-Vest, insulated boots and heavy coat. Walk far into the woods without any paper products and wait for a personal emergency.
• Place your hands in a bucket of ice water for 20 minutes. Put the carburetor from your lawn mower in the bottom of your deep freeze. Now climb in the deep freeze, shut the lid and overhaul it while holding a pen light in your mouth. This is particularly important for Skidoo owners. NOTE: Advanced riders do this with a Leatherman tool.
• Dress up in your new $500 snowmobile bibs. Pour 2-stroke oil down the right leg, gasoline down the other and Peppermint Schnapps and Beer all over the front. Fill your boots with ice cubes and ask your wife or girlfriend for a dance. This will prepare her for the stops at the local bar after a ride.
• Put on a Balaclava and a full-face helmet. Attempt to drink hot chocolate through the opening. Advanced riders attempt this while riding a lawn tractor in the nearest farmers field.
• Find a place where you can pay $1.00 a liter for regular gas; $19.99 per liter of oil; $16 for a hamburger and frozen french fries; $3 for a Coke and $60 to sleep in a cold cabin on a bed with springs sticking through the mattress. Stay for two nights, minimum. This will prepare you on the high cost of your future winter trips.
• Practice explaining to your banker why you need another loan for a $50,000 truck to pull the four $12,000 toys in your $10,000 trailer that you still owe $60,000 on.
• Take a hot plate and cast iron skillet to your garage. Close and seal all doors. When fry pan is heated to red hot add 8 ounces of mineral based, 2-stroke oils and one ounce of BRUT after shave, run on the spot for ten minutes, open doors and light up a cigarette…
• Using an old kitchen chair, remove the legs and position it at the top of a long flight of concrete stairs. Sit firmly on the chair with your knees drawn to your chest. Have a friend wrap silver duct tape around your knees and back to attach you firmly to the chair and push off…This is good exercise for Sunday afternoon trail rides. Polaris  riders should do two sets.